We are one week away from another summer dose of high-voltage, over-the-top, in-your-face drama, courtesy of one of the greatest reality television shows of all time, Big Brother USA. Lies, deception, manipulation - it is all legal in BBUSA, and heading in to its 13th season it shows no signs of slowing down, as this year it boasts the “Biggest, craziest twist ever!” - nothing like CBS hype!
The big, crazy twist is that some former housemates will be returning to the house, not really that big nor crazy, seeing as it has been done on numerous occasions in the past. Some “notorious duos” of past seasons will return, but the identities of these duos is being kept secret until the premiere on July 7th.
So with that, here are the eight new housemates that we’ll be learning to love and hate throughout the next three months:
Porsche Briggs
23 years old
Fort Lauderdale, Fla
VIP Cocktail Waitress
I think her name sums up everything you need to know, it sets up her motives and ambitions pretty succinctly. She was brought into this world by parents who were quite happy to name their daughter after this, probably because they couldn’t actually afford one:
Porsche has a lot to live up to because she is following in the footsteps of a long lineage of blonde cocktail waitresses that have appeared on Big Brother, such as Keesha, Jordan, and Janelle, oh what do you know…
…It appears Porsche and Janelle already know each other! It’s such a small world, isn’t it?
The most frightening thing about Porsche is that on her CBS profile she says her favourite Big Brother housemate is BB11’s Natalie Martinez, wait a second, Natalie actually had a fan? Incredible!
Dominic Briones
25 years old
San Mateo, Calif
College Student
Mactor Alert! Mactor Alert! It lists his “occupation” as college student but don’t be fooled, this guy is a model, because normal people don’t do this:
Up until his agent got him a private audition he hadn’t seen one episode of Big Brother. But hey, why should it only be fans of the show that get a chance to go on?
In his CBS profile in his answer to the question “What are you most afraid of?” he says “STDs”. He better hope nobody from Season 9 returns then!
Keith Henderson
32 years old
Bolingbrook, Ill
Human Resources Manager
Usually on Big Brother there is the token black housemate, if CBS are feeling really diverse, they’ll put in one black male and one black female, but this year, count them, there is not one, not two, but THREE African-American housemates! Go on, pat yourselves on the back CBS.
Keith is a HR manager, and a former “Ken-testant” on Genuine Ken: http://genuineken.com/index.php?page=profile&member_id=467
He enjoys writing poetry, here is a sample:
Love, love as much as I do
Love me as much as I love you
Love is powerful, both dear and true
L-O-V-E Y-O-U
Day by day it feels brand new
Oh how I wish I was making that up.
Cassi Colvin
26 years old
Nashville, Tenn
Model
Now that’s a name! Cassi Colvin. Just say it aloud to yourself. Cassi Colvin. What a fine use of alliteration, Porsche’s parents could have done with some advice from the Colvins.
With that said, it is yet another mactor, but at least Cassi is upfront about it, in more ways than one. 
It seems she has fansites all over the internet already, so that may help her in the game if there are any America’s Choice votes.
Her favourite thing to do, according to her CBS profile, is to sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit with the guys. I can see the word “jealousy” being brought up a lot this season.
Shelly Moore
41 years old
Prairieville, La
Outdoors Industry Exec
“I don’t want any rear end shots of me… I’ve converted all my underwear to shorts… NO BUTT SHOTS FROM THIS GIRL!” - She doesn’t have any model photoshoots plastered over the net, it doesn’t seem like she has appeared on any other reality show, or turned up as an extra in a crappy movie, could this be our first genuine, real person?!
Hopefully she represents the ‘mature’ women better than Kathy did last season, it shouldn’t be too difficult to top Kathy to be honest, just don’t lay around on your arse all day.
She says her favourite housemates are Jeff and Jordan, I just fear that if they are one of the returning duos, Shelly will turn in to Mrs Ass-Kisser of the summer.
Adam Poch
39 years old
Hoboken, NJ
Music Inventory Manager
Adam describes himself as a cross between Evel Dick and Chicken George:
A punk rocker with an insatiable appetite for Kentucky Fried Chicken? It doesn’t even bear thinking about, does it? He looks more like a cross between Gerry from Season 3, and Ralph from Survivor: Redemption Island.
Kalia Booker
30 years old
Philadelphia, PA
Writer
Kalia likes Dr Will and Danielle Reyes, so you’d expect her to be a shrewd, intelligent, game-player, but every year you have people who say they are going to be the next whoever, and they end up falling extremely short. 
According to her CBS profile she is terrified of snakes - Veto competition idea, anyone?
Lawon Exum
39 years old
Inglewood, Calif
Legal File Clerk
Now they’re just taking the piss, Lawon Exum, that’s not a real name!
Lawon is this season’s token gay guy, and hopes to bring a sense of fashion to the house. Do CBS just go on the hunt for stereotypes?
He describes himself as “handsomexy”, which sounds like some kind of disease. He has first evictee written all over him.
So that’s the eight newbies, but who are the returning duos? Well according to the CBS website (http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_brother/twist/) it could be any number of these six…
On the whole, that is quite a nightmare selection, the thought of another entire season of Natalie makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. And some of them aren’t even proper duos, I mean, didn’t Jessie vote against Natalie in the end in BB11? And Hayden and Enzo, they were in the same alliance, but hardly a “notorious duo”.
Seeing as we have eight new housemates, and we usually have thirteen/fourteen altogether, it seems likely that we will have three returning duos. Judging by popularity and Twitter action, it seems Jeff and Jordan are almost guaranteed. Rachel and Brendon have pushed back their “wedding” to 2012, so we will most likely be seeing them again too, *shudders*. The third duo is up in the air, as much as I’d love to see Dr Will again, I think the boys known as Chill Town have put Big Brother behind them. And as much as executive producer Alison Grodner is obsessed with Jessie, surely she can’t put him on yet ANOTHER season of Big Brother? Hayden and Enzo don’t even count, they are just there to make up numbers.
So that leaves Dick and Daniele, who like Jeff and Jordan, are very popular, but I was certain that they would be leaving them for All Stars 2 (which everyone assumed would be happening next year for BB14), putting them on this season would diminish that somewhat - plus Daniele has her talk show with Ragan on Superpass this season, and Dick has his show on RTV, does that rule them out?
Perhaps there will be a couple that isn’t included on the CBS page? Maybe Eric and Jessica from BB8? Dan and Memphis from BB10? Keesha and Renny? Maggie and Cappy?!!
I look forward to finding out next Thursday on the season premiere of Big Brother 13!