The Hippest Kids In Town

I’ve been a fan of Big Brother for many years, at times obsessively so, from it’s early days when the show used to pass itself of as culturally beneficial by hiding under the guise of being a “social experiment”, to the over-the-top, sensationalised, fame-seeking, Jeremy Kyle circus of the later years. It was voyeurism at it’s best/worst, a Peeping Tom’s dream, a warts-and-all look in to the human condition.

But unlike its predecessors, such as The Real World, Big Brother was also a game-show. The participants would nominate each other, and each week one of them would be evicted, the last person remaining in the house, as voted for by the public, would win a prize fund, usually £100,000. It was this element that kept me coming back year after year, and the reason why these days I find the American version a far superior product, because it has no qualms about calling itself a gameshow.

As interesting as it is watching a bunch of strangers interact in a contained environment, there is only so long that that can remain engaging television. Every new series it became more and more evident that this wasn’t a microscopic look at the human condition, in fact, for a show labeled as “reality television”, there was very little real-life involved once the show passed the fourth series. Big Brother may have brought up every day issues such as race, class, discrimination, disability, and sexuality, but to say they were approached in a natural way would be highly misleading, these issues were provoked and exaggerated by ratings-hungry producers, who would instigate fights, manipulate footage, and twist events in order to create what was essentially, a nightly soap-opera, something which former executive producer Phil Edgar-Jones once described the show as.

So, having said all that, why on earth would I want to audition for this show? I never applied before when the show was still on Channel 4, so why now? Did I think Channel 5 was going to take a different approach? Perhaps. Was it because I have now graduated from University, so have nothing tying me back? Maybe. It was probably a combination of both of those, but the main reason I applied was because of that gameshow element. I just love to play games!

I always thought that if Nasty Nick hadn’t cheated, that he would have made it to the final week of BB1 (the other housemates loved him, he had them wrapped around his little finger), and maybe by that point the public would have come to respect his cunning ways, and voted him the winner, setting in motion an entirely different show from the one we have come to know and hate-to-love. With a new start on Channel 5, I thought it’d be the perfect time to change how Big Brother is viewed, do away with the whole “fifteen minutes of z-list fame” aspect, and focus on the game element. I wanted to go on the show and try and be the British version of this guy:

This year, instead of blindly turning up for an open audition, you could first apply online by filling out a five-page form, which asked such deep questions as “How attractive do you think you are?” and “What are you least proud of?”. In answer to the question “What type of housemate would you be?” I outlined my motives for wanting to do the show, I expressed my thoughts on those people that go on and pretend they have no interest in winning, I told them that I don’t care about the “fame”, or “experience”, or “meeting new people”, I just wanted to play the game, and see if I could win.

My plan wasn’t to be nasty or bully people, I would still be my regular self, charming, relaxed, helpful, easy-going, and I would use those traits to make my fellow housemates trust me, so that I could manipulate them, and advance myself further in the game. I would use the Diary Room to be honest with the public, keeping them up to date with my strategies and tactics, and I would try and play the game in a fun, witty, entertaining way. I didn’t want to go in their to boost my profile in the “media”, nor did I see it as a potential three-month holiday to lay around every day doing nothing, I wanted to live out my childhood dreams of been a professional conman, and Big Brother was the perfect opportunity to do that.

After filling out the online form it was a good week before I eventually pressed the “Submit” button, a very appropriate word for what I was letting myself in for. It was done and dusted, I’d applied, and to be honest, I didn’t expect to hear anything back, especially not five minutes later! Literally, five minutes after I submitted my application I received a phonecall from a lady calling herself “Big Brother”, who informed me that “they” loved my application and would like to invite me to a private audition, taking place June 17th at the Emirates Stadium in London.

I was a little taken aback, but I didn’t let my surprise show through, I acted as cool as possible, like I knew it was a sure thing, and told them that I’d be there. But it wasn’t a sure thing, I was still conflicted with whether I actually wanted to do the show or not, my passion in life is to be a writer, I didn’t want to potentially jeopardise that by appearing on Big Brother. But I’d always been interested in seeing how the audition process worked, I had heard many stories, but I wanted a first-hand encounter, so it was decided, I booked my train tickets to London (£90!!), and off I went.

If I hadn’t have been invited to a private audition there is no way I would have turned up for the open auditions, I don’t mean to sound above it all, after all, I was still auditioning for Big Brother, but I wasn’t desperate enough to wait in a queue in the pouring rain with a bunch of attention-seeking, wannabes dressed in thongs and tutus!

The day started off well when my direct train from Hull to London was cancelled, meaning I had to wait for another train that stopped off at Doncaster, and then had to change train to get me to London King’s Cross. The email Big Brother sent instructed us to arrive between 8:30am and 2:00pm, and I eventually turned up at the largely deserted Emirates Stadium at around 2:03pm, thankfully Big Brother aren’t big sticklers for time, I should have known from years of watching the live feed waiting for tasks to start that were promised hours earlier!

When I arrived security checked my bag, just to make sure that I wasn’t about to commit an atrocity, although perhaps blowing up 250 Big Brother wannabes would be seen as somewhat of a triumph to the majority of the British public. Once inside I showed my ID to the young woman at the front desk, so that she could check my name, cross me off the list, and turn me in to a number, 264, already my humanity was being stripped of me!

I was directed up stairs, and it was obvious straight away that I was one of the last to arrive, because this large room was almost empty, it reminded me of a school exam hall after all the smart kids have left because they finished the paper in half-an-hour. There were a bunch of circular tables with plastic chairs around them, and the last-minute stragglers dotted around the room, hurriedly filling out yet another form. Before I could get to this enthralling segment, I was placed against a pillar, and had my photograph taken, and was then told to take this photo to another woman sat behind a table. It was a long table, and about half a dozen Big Brother crew members, all wearing black t-shirts informing us of this fact, sat behind it, mostly looking bored - it was like a really low-rent X Factor judging panel.

I handed the blonde-haired lady my photo and she intiated some inane chatter about my new Beats by Dre headphones (which are awesome by the way), while she stapled my photo to another form, which she told me to fill out, and once done hand to yet another lady. I perused the venue, working out which table I wanted to sit at, and I decided to take a seat at the very end table, next to a similar aged black girl that was already half-way through her form. I chose the back table so that I could look out at all the other tables, eyeing up my very meager competition.

I was surprised by the lack of “freaks”, I was expecting more silly costumes, and obnoxious loud-mouths, but on the most part, it seemed a fairly normal bunch. After I stopped observing the others, I got to the form which was almost identical to the one I filled out online, with a couple of new questions such as “Name something your parents don’t know about you”.

I quickly powered through my form as the last arrivals strolled in, one woman looking like she visited the same plastic surgeons as Michael Jackson! I left my seat and made my way across the room and behind a fenced off area, where two Big Brother crew members were waiting, one of them took my form to briefly look at, and then told me to take a seat where there was a space.

There were lots of rows of seats occupied by other Big Brother hopefuls, a mainly young bunch ranging from the early-twenties to the mid-thirties. There were about ten rows, most of the people were chatting, and seemed as if they’d been waiting there a long while. I took my seat at the end of a row next to Dreads, a black guy from London, dreadlocks, Tottenham Hotspur supporter, music producer, who currently worked in some capacity in events management, and was scouted by Big Brother at some event or other. He was a cool guy, down-to-earth, and easy to talk to, I let him listen to my Beats by Dre headphones, and he shared his pack of Fruitellas with me, it was a fair trade.

Sat next to Dreads was DJ Devon, who as the name suggests was a DJ from Devon, early twenties, typical lads lad that liked football, beer, and women. Again, these were pretty ordinary people, the closest we came to a silly costume was one girl dressed as if she was entering a Miss World competition, in her shiny dress and tiara. It did start to become startlingly obvious that they were a lot of “model-types” in attendance, a discussion going on in the row behind us started with the phrase “Have you been in Zoo magazine too?”

I was waiting here for a good hour and a half, as row by row, groups were been sent up stairs for the next stage of the process, like a really shit purgatory. As our group moved up to the first row, I realised that the game had already started for me, I had to tell people I was there for “the experience”, that going on the show for me would be a last hurrah before I move on in the real-world, this was obviously all bollocks, all I wanted was to go on the show to prove that a game-player can make it to the end and win, but of course, I couldn’t tell any of these people that, because we may have ended up in the house together, and I didn’t want to expose my game-plan.

Finally, myself, Dreads, and DJ Devon were sent up the stairs. We walked past more people sat around tables filling out forms, this time the forms were about 60 pages long, and having previously read about how the auditions work, I knew that these were the people that had passed the interview stage, and were going through. We were taken in to a corridor, and sat on a row of seats outside of a small room where the interviews were taking place.

Already sat outside the room was Pretty Peeved, because she was very pretty but pissed off that she was left waiting while the rest of her group had already been told whether they had made it through or not. We questioned her about the interview, and how it worked, digging for insight, but we kept getting told off by a crew member, an attractive girl wearing a headset, I asked her if I could have a job on the show if I failed to make it through the auditions, but she said she wasn’t in charge of those decisions. Oh well.

Dreads was called in for his interview first, and was in there for about four-to-five minutes, he came out smiling, and said that it went okay. I was called in next. It was a small room, with an empty seat at one end, and at the other end was a video camera, a young woman, and two men, I’d say in their mid-to-late thirties, who I assumed were producers, or perhaps a researcher and a producer.

The interview was more laid-back than I thought it would be, both guys were fairly relaxed and easy-going, and not as strict and stern as I was expecting. They asked me questions based on the answers I had given in my application, focusing particularly on my writing, even asking if I would write about Big Brother after I had left the house - maybe they were worried I would expose them! They picked up on the fact that I’m straight-edge (meaning I don’t drink, smoke, or take drugs), and looking back it was at this point where I believe I failed.

Big Brother works in gimmicks and stereotypes, they don’t want multi-dimensional characters, not to start with anyway, they need a nice, bite-size tag-line that they can slap on a person, and promote in the papers. And I believe that they already know what stereotypes they are looking for before you enter that interview room, they will browse your form and find a hook, and it is up to you to recognise that and then exploit it, something which I failed to do.

I think my hook was the straight-edge thing, that was to be my gimmick, when they asked me how does my not drinking go over with my peers I told them that although I felt awkward at first, I quickly realised that people don’t tend to care, and that I still go out, can still have a good time, and have a much cheaper night drinking J20. His response to this was “So, you’re not an outsider?” and I said “No.” I bet that was the point they decided I wasn’t going any further, because I think they wanted me to be the outsider, they were hoping I was a hardcore straight-edger. If I went in there and said “Straight-edge means I’m better than you. I hate anyone that drinks alcohol, and I have no problem telling them. And if there is alcohol in the Big Brother house I will pour it down the sink,” I bet they would have put me through, because then they could’ve cast a party-going, lad’s lad that loves his beer, and they would hope for a clash of personalities.

Instead I was going for the game-player gimmick, I told them I just wanted to win, and discussed a few of my strategies, such as subtly sabotaging shopping tasks so that the housemates would be on a basic rations, making them weak and demoralised and therefore easier to control, and causing them to argue amongst each other, and nominate each other. But I guess a game-player just wasn’t what Big Brother was looking for.

It seems what Big Brother was looking for was fake-boobs, judging by those getting through, it was mainly the model-types, and people that wouldn’t look out of place on The Only Way Is Essex. I would take a guess that Endemol and Channel 5 are looking to turn Big Brother in to their version of a Geordie Shore/The Only Way Is Essex type programme, casting good-looking people that like to party, lack self-awareness, and will make fools of themselves on national television. And to be fair, that’s probably a smart business move on their part, these “hyper-reality” shows are crazy popular at the minute, and if Big Brother can capture some of that heat and make it work, then good for them.

After my quick five minute interview, myself, Dreads, and Pretty Peeved were taken in to another corridor, where once again we waited to be told our fate. We were joined by an excitable Irish chap that was a mix of nerves and unbridled enthusiasm, and I’m pretty sure he made it through to the next stage, I hope so anyway because I could imagine him being a good character on the show. I was called in first, and was swiftly told I hadn’t made it through, and that I should apply again next year, I appreciated this but told them no thanks, I was already conflicted about doing the show anyway, and although I’ve always wanted to experience the audition process, it is not something I want to experience twice!

I have no idea if Dreads, DJ Devon, Pretty Peeved, or Excitable Irish made it through, I hope at least one of them did, and it would be amazing if one turned up in the house in September, but I have a feeling they were all too normal, and didn’t fit this years remit of a TOWIE rip-off.

All in all, I’m glad I attended the auditions, as I said, I’ve always been interested in how the process works, and it is something I can now tick off the bucket list. Plus, afterwards I popped in to William Hill and won £100, covering my train costs, and leaving me £10 up on the day, so I didn’t go home totally empty handed.

It’s a shame that it doesn’t appear Endemol are taking the opportunity to change the format of the show with the jump to Channel 5. I thought the gameshow aspect may be focused on more heavily, what with the ratings decreasing, and the lack of “fame” made out of the show these days. But I should have known with Richard Desmond owning Channel 5, he is going to want attractive, shameless, wild housemates that he can print headlines about in his Daily Star newspaper, and big-boobed models that he can slap on Page 3.

I may turn out to be wrong, perhaps the majority of this year’s housemates have been pre-scouted, and very few from the auditions will make it, judging from the amount of people turning up to the auditions, it doesn’t seem the producers will have many to choose from. Maybe there will be a more diverse mix of housemates than it seems, maybe there was other game-players better than me that will end up in the house - if that is the case, I look forward to watching come September, but I fear when the show returns, it will just be more of the same, and plagued with the same problems which saw the show lead to cancellation on Channel 4.

Big Brother - I am watching you, for now!